By Kelly Arrington, Counseling Intern
Noticing or finding out that your child is exhibiting self-harm behaviors, thoughts, or suicidal ideation can be one of the scariest experiences of your parthood journey. It is natural to feel completely panicked. We are here to help but there is a lot you can do at home too. When your child resorts to self-harm you may feel like you’ve done something wrong, but you are a good parent, and you can help them.
Your reaction towards your child is key. Children of all ages can sense their parent’s feelings even if it’s not spoken. If your kiddo is dealing with these scary thoughts or behaviors it is important to stay calm for them. Internally they are feeling out of control, so we need to provide that stable, calm presence for them since they can’t do it themselves. When you go to address the issue with your kid make sure you reassure them that they are not in trouble, and they are not going to be punished. They need understanding and connection, not shame and punishment. Validate that what they are feeling is normal and that the phase of life they are going through, especially for tweens and teens, is really hard. Let them know that even though it is hard that you will help them through it. You can plan and learn new skills together to make all the overwhelming things feel more manageable. I know this feels so hard when you are crazy worried about what your kid might do, but in times like these just fake it till you make it and let your big feelings come out away from them. They need you to be a strong rock of support right now.
Knowledge is power, so let’s set you up for success. Below are some risk factors for self-harm behavior. Please keep in mind, just because your child deals with these does not mean self-harm will happen. This is not here to increase your anxiety, but just to give you an indicator of what increases the likelihood, so you’re prepared.
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Eating disorders
- Borderline personality disorder
- Posttraumatic stress disorder
- History of trauma, neglect, or abuse
- Low self-esteem
- Feeling rejected or lonely
- Feeling unsafe at school or at home
- Perfectionism
- Frequent conflicts with friends or family
- Impulsive behavior
- Tendency to take unhealthy risks
What are some red-flags to look out for?
- Suspicious looking scars
- Wounds that don’t heal or get worse over time
- Isolation
- Talking about self-injury (they might mention peers who engage in self-harm)
- Collecting sharp items
- Secretive behavior
- Wearing long sleeves and/or long pants in hot weather
- Avoiding social activities
- Wearing a lot of bandages
- Avoiding sports or other activities where they might have to change clothes in front of others
Finding the trigger
One of the most helpful things is to explore the trigger for the self-harm with your child. Often, self-harm is a response to feeling a lack of control, feeling too much, or even feeling numb. If they’re feeling too much, they might want something that will distract from their emotional pain. If they are numb, they may want something to remind them that they can actually feel. Others enjoy the endorphin rush harm can bring. Common triggers include:
- Stress and pressure
- Anxiety and depression
- Anger
- Sadness
- Rejection by peers or adults
- Loneliness
- Irritability
- Social issues
- Family discord
- Social media use, including videos and photos that show other kids cutting to cope with emotional pain
What to do?
I know you probably wish I’d just get to this point from the start. You’re worried and you just want it to stop. Here are some steps to start with:
- Seek professional help. Psychotherapists can help recognize the triggers and provide safe alternatives to self-harm. Family therapy, CBT, and DBT are all helpful to work through these issues. We would love to support you and your kiddo in these ways!
- Provide unconditional emotional support. Calmly talking to them about it, even if they are resistant, is so helpful.
- Slowing down their schedule so they have time to relax.
- Help them explore which friends they feel are positive and they can reach out to when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
- Validate, validate, validate
- Practice mindfulness activities together
Alternatives to Self-Harm
- holding ice cubes in their hand or eating a chili – the cold and heat cause discomfort but aren’t dangerous
- wearing a rubber band on their wrist and snapping it when they feel the need
- using a red pen to draw on the areas they might normally cut
- working it off with exercise – as well as busting stress, physical activity is a good distraction
- scribbling with red pen on a piece of paper
- trying deep breathing and relaxation exercises
- focusing on something around them, something simple. Get them to watch it for a while and see if that can distract them from the negative thoughts
- talking with someone.
Sit down together and make notes in their phone of things to try next time they feel the urge to self-harm.
At home resources:
Self-harm can be incredibly scary because your first thought may be that they want to end their lives. In general, self-harm does not lead to suicide. It is a temporary way to relieve the pain of being human and it’s a cry for help. As soon as it is recognized it is important to connect and get help. Please reach out to us if you or your child is in need of support, and remember you are doing a great job.
References:
https://www.psycom.net/parent-a-teen-that-self-harms/
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/age-13/mental-health-conditions-in-young-people/self-harm