By Kelly Arrington, Counseling Intern
We live in a time of intensive parenting. Every post on Instagram, Pinterest, or mommy blogs tells you that you need to spend 28 hours a day (yes, you read that right) entertaining your child for them to be happy and healthy. Want to know the good news? You can create a secure attachment with your kid in as little as 5-10 minutes a day. You can stop trying so hard to be “on” all the time! I was shocked when I learned solid connection can be established in such a consistent, short amount of time so I thought it was worth sharing!
We can go more in depth into attachment styles another time, but basically a secure attachment is when your child knows you are there for them. Your kiddo wants you around, gets distressed when you leave, but they recover after a few minutes and are excited when you return. They know when a need arises you will be there to help them. We can be led to believe that unless we are attuned with every breath they take and every need they express that we aren’t doing enough but I’m here to tell you that’s not the case.
To provide attunement your child needs some undivided attention, but not all day long. They need 5-10 minutes a day. You can think of this as their “special time” if you will. Check out this article for some great information about why letting your child lead the play during their time can be so helpful.
Finding time to “play” with your child can be difficult, and let’s be real, as an adult imaginative play can be the last thing you want to do. Attuning with your child doesn’t have to look like play. You don’t have to spend an hour playing dress up with them or letting them use you as a horsey. These 5-10 minutes (or however you need to break it up through the week) can be cooking together, reading books, coloring, listening to their thoughts, tossing a ball, playing “keep it up” with a balloon, cuddling in silence… literally anything where you are presently connecting with your child. Put the phone down for 5 minutes and give them your undivided attention. That’s all it takes. No picture-perfect STEM activities, educational trips, or mega forts needed… although I think forts are always a good idea.
Be there to provide the support when needed but offer freedom to explore and learn their world. Despite what Instagram is telling you, it’s ok, and actually more beneficial for your child, to not be involved in every minute of their day. (Stay tuned for why independent play is so important!). They just need a secure base, not an ever-present (and super stressed) helicopter. So, take this as your invitation to relax a little. Give yourself some grace. Give your child 10 minutes of your time, be the safe haven they can come back to, and then release them back into their own little world to explore and become their own tiny human. Set a reminder on your phone for some special time and get started today! And remember, you are doing great.
For more information about secure attachment see https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com
Feel free to print out the graphic below and keep it on your fridge, your bedroom mirror, in your purse, anywhere you’ll frequently see it to remind you to take those 5-10 minutes and that you are doing enough.
